Shen Ling was kicked out of the emperor’s Bedchamber.
Soaking wet and with soap suds all over his head, he piteously pounded on the door. “Your Majesty, my clothes are soaked through! Your Majesty, my outer robe is still inside! Your Majesty, please take pity on me!”
A moment later, his black outer robe was tossed out.
The door slammed shut. A eunuch came over and politely reminded him, “Young Master Shen, His Majesty says you may return to your residence on your own.”
What the emperor had actually said was, “Get out.”
Shen Ling wrapped himself in his outer robe and nodded repeatedly. He slunk away, looking back every few steps as if reluctant to leave.
Only after he had left the emperor’s palace grounds and was on his way back to Luhua Palace did he finally breathe a sigh of relief. As he walked, he stared at his palm, recalling how it had felt, and grimaced.
Oh my god. It was huge.
And it was that big even when it wasn’t hard!
Could that thing kill a person?
Shuddering, Shen Ling hurried back to his quarters, fetched some water, and scrubbed his hand over and over. Then he quickly burrowed under the covers and went to sleep.
Before falling asleep, he cursed Shen Mei three hundred times.
The next day, word spread that Shen Ling had been sent away by the emperor in the middle of the night while attending him.
They said that once Shen Ling had left, the emperor immediately summoned the Eldest Young Master of the Ruan family to spend the night with him, and did not let him leave until dawn.
Jiang Xinbai organized another banquet and invited Shen Ling to come have fun. Officially, it was to check on his health; in reality, it was a targeted opportunity to mock him.
This time, neither Zhuang Xinan nor Ruan Zanxue was there. They said the Eldest Young Master of the Ruan Family was delicate and frail, and had fallen ill after overexerting himself while being favored, so he could not receive visitors. As for Zhuang Xinan, he was furious that Ruan Zanxue had beaten him to the chance to attend the emperor, and had gone to pick a fight with him.
Now, only the five of them were gathered at Xiaoyou Palace. Jiang Xinbai fanned himself and spoke with biting sarcasm. “Tingting, have you offended His Majesty? Why else would he kick you out of the palace in the middle of the night?”
Shen Ling sighed deeply and sat down beside the table. His expression held a bewildered sort of dejection. “I was foolish. I didn’t know what His Majesty liked. I’ll be more careful from now on.”
Leaning back in his chair, Jiang Xinbai’s lips curled upward. “That’s true. You’re not very bright, so it’s only natural you weren’t able to serve him well. You may have been favored before, but you’re a man, after all—you can’t bear him a child. What good is all that favor if you can’t capture the emperor’s heart? In the end, it’ll all come to nothing.”
“His Majesty has plenty of beauties around him. He’s seen all kinds of flowers, and now that he’s encountered so many beautiful people with substance, he must find you, this empty vase, dreadfully dull. He sent you away last night because he was tired of you, no doubt.”
Seeing Shen Ling’s pained expression as he stuffed pastries into his mouth, as if trying to escape reality, Jiang Xinbai felt a faint, peculiar satisfaction.
He knew Shen Ling wasn’t very bright. Even as a child, he couldn’t remember things and was slow at everything he did. He could barely get a sentence out. The only thing he had going for him was that pretty face.
An imbecile who should have stayed home to recuperate had actually been sent to school. Back when they were all at the private academy, everyone had put up with him, indulged him, and protected him, all because he had a good father and a promising older brother.
Now that Censor Shen was dead and Shen Mei had been stripped of his scholarly honors before the palace examination and barred from entering officialdom for life, their family had fallen into ruin. Maybe they were truly desperate. Shen Mei had actually decided to gamble on his fool of a brother’s looks to secure their future.
Did he really think the emperor was some peerless, wise ruler? He was nothing but a puppet in Chancellor He’s palm, barely able to protect himself. And they still expected him to clear the Shen family’s name?
Someone like Shen Ling would end up being played with until he was no longer entertaining, then die of old age in the palace. No—he might not even live that long. When the emperor died, he would have to be buried with him.
Malice surged within him. Jiang Xinbai stood and went over beside Shen Ling, moving the pastries and fruit on the table out of the way. In a low voice, he said, “Tingting, aren’t you heartbroken?”
Shen Ling paused mid-bite as Jiang Xinbai’s face suddenly loomed close before him.
Nobody wanted a stick shoved up their ass. Shen Ling couldn’t have been happier to be sent away by the emperor last night, but a man like Jiang Xinbai obviously wanted him to be as miserable and to suffer as much as possible.
“What does heartbroken mean?” Shen Ling obligingly let a tear fall. He raised his head, rice-cake crumbs still stuck to his lips. His eyes were red as if steeped in blood, and tears rolled down his cheeks like beads from a broken string. “Does it mean I’ll never see His Majesty again?”
Jiang Xinbai wore a twisted smile. “That’s right. Do you hate him?”
“No. I like His Majesty.” Shen Ling shook his head and took a deep breath. “My stomach just hurts a little.”
He rubbed his stomach. He’d eaten too quickly, and the sticky rice cakes were hard to digest. He’d stuffed himself.
“That’s heartache.” Jiang Xinbai nodded knowingly, his gaze tinged with pity. His tone softened as he tapped Shen Ling’s chest. “Your big brother will teach you how to win His Majesty back from Ruan Zanxue, all right?”
With red-rimmed eyes, Shen Ling looked at him pitifully. “Can you really steal him away?”
Jiang Xinbai replied meaningfully, “If you love someone, you have to fight for him. You have to learn to persevere. Besides, you were here first. Ruan Zanxue entered the palace after you, so why should he be more favored by His Majesty now?”
“If you can find a way to make him lose favor, His Majesty will be yours alone!”
“Brother Jiang!” Chen Mingyue, who had been watching from the side, frowned. He came over, put a hand on Jiang Xinbai’s shoulder, and pulled him aside. “He doesn’t understand any of this. Why make things difficult for an innocent fool…”
“What? You’ve known him for a few days and you’re already so close?” Jiang Xinbai swept the other man’s hand away. “Don’t get in my way. Since entering the palace, have any of you done anything useful? All you know how to do is fight and dance. Bunch of good-for-nothings!”
The three men who had just been insulted: “…”
Wang Yuanli scoffed. “You’re no different. I haven’t seen you do much to seduce anyone, either. You don’t do anything useful, and you spend all day picking on a fool.”
“Hah, Wang Yuanli, you still don’t get it. If His Majesty had been interested in you or me, we’d have been on the Dragon Bed ages ago.” Jiang Xinbai looked exasperated. “Do you think I want to pick on him? Do you think I don’t want to attend His Majesty? Last night, all of us wore the same clothes and struck the same poses, but His Majesty had eyes only for that fool. It has to be because he looks exactly like Xie Zhen. Xie Zhen risked his life to help His Majesty take the throne. They were childhood friends who grew up together. How can you compete with that?”
Li Shi had taken Jiang Xinbai’s place and was crouching beside Shen Ling, coaxing him with pastries. When he heard that, he hurriedly covered Shen Ling’s ears and led him a little farther away.
That wasn’t something they should be listening to. If Shen Ling let the secret slip, they’d all be dead without a place to bury them.
“The Ruan family has produced chancellors for three generations. They pride themselves on being upright, principled officials and are bitter enemies of Chancellor He. Ruan Zanxue may well have entered the palace for his family’s sake. If he wins the emperor’s favor, Great Yu might end up crowning a male empress, and the Ruan family would inevitably rise again.” Jiang Xinbai clasped his hands behind his back and glanced sidelong at everyone. “You bunch of useless wine-bags still haven’t figured it out? Do you really think Chancellor He sent us here to compete for favor with a fool? He wants us to keep an eye on Ruan Zanxue and Zhuang Xinan!”
“The Ruan family’s influence among the great clans, and the Zhuang family’s military power—anything that happens in the court or the Imperial Harem can affect everything else. If we can’t win favor, then we can’t let Ruan Zanxue and Zhuang Xinan have an easy time of it, either!” Jiang Xinbai was already completely lost in his own palace drama. “Besides, the advantage is ours now. We’ve already gotten the jump on them. Why shouldn’t we be able to get the upper hand?”
Chen Mingyue looked baffled. “What advantage?”
“Zhuang Xinan is in love with His Majesty and at odds with Ruan Zanxue. When the snipe and the clam fight, the fisherman profits—that’s our first advantage!”1Translator’s Note: “When the snipe and the clam fight, the fisherman profits” (鹬蚌相争，渔翁得利) is a Chinese idiom about two parties fighting each other while a third party takes advantage of their conflict to benefit. It comes from a fable in which a snipe gets its beak caught in a clam’s shell, and while the two struggle, a fisherman catches them both. Jiang Xinbai waved his fan and held up one finger. “Shen Ling is beautiful and stupid, which makes him easy to control—that’s our second advantage!”
He swept his gaze over everyone at Xiaoyou Palace, brimming with confidence. “And besides, three cobblers together can outsmart Zhuge Liang. With the four of us and our combined wits, are we really unable to help Shen Ling win favor?”
Wang Yuanli silently raised a hand. “I ranked last at the Directorate of Education in policy essays.”
Jiang Xinbai snapped, “You don’t need to use your brain! Just provide the money!”
Shen Ling sat cooling off in a corner, watching Jiang Xinbai and the other two talk at the top of their lungs. The more they talked, the more fired up they became, as if they were about to burst into flames.
Li Shi sighed.
Shen Ling asked, “Something on your mind?”
Resting his head on his hand, Li Shi said helplessly, “We’ve already been tossed into the palace as sacrificial pawns, so why are they still going on about being loyal and righteous, ready to die for their lord? It’s just depressing to watch.”
Then his gaze fell on Shen Ling again, and he sighed gloomily. “Sometimes I really envy you. You don’t know anything, you don’t understand anything.”
Shen Ling: “…” It’s not that I don’t understand. It’s just that watching you all pump yourselves up like this feels dangerous.
＊
Jiang Xinbai and the others rapidly changed their strategy.
If they couldn’t win favor themselves, they could at least make sure that the people who should win favor didn’t.
The emperor summoned Ruan Zanxue to attend him night after night for half a month. Every day, Jiang Xinbai went to Zhuang Xinan’s palace and made sour remarks to sow discord.
Things like, “The Eldest Young Master of the Ruan Family is really favored. Can his body even keep up?”
“Young Marquis, look at that. His Majesty is truly having the time of his life.”
“In the palace, all you hear is the laughter of new favorites. You never hear the old ones cry.”
“The Eldest Young Master of the Ruan Family has become quite high and mighty. He can’t even be bothered to meet us anymore.”
After all that persuasion, Zhuang Xinan became so restless that he stopped making whatever bizarre barbecue he’d been making in the evenings. Instead, he visited Ruan Zanxue more and more often, even staying at his place all night sometimes.
The emperor’s mood was spoiled several times. People could see him wandering around the palace in the middle of the night, his face black as the bottom of a pot.
“This is usually when a man is most irritable, most resentful, and most desperate for sex.” Jiang Xinbai declared confidently, then swept his hand forward. “Go!”
After the others had carefully dressed Shen Ling up, they positioned him along the emperor’s usual route. He wore a plain white robe, his long hair half loose, his eyes bright and teeth white, his eyes red (from the smoke). He held a round fan in one hand, half hiding his face behind it. The night breeze swept his sleeves about, making him seem like someone who didn’t belong to the mortal world.
“The pure and pitiful look,” Li Shi explained. “As delicate as a dodder vine, a gentle, understanding beauty—the kind of person you can’t bear to leave.”
Wang Yuanli offered his assessment. “He looks like a ghost.”
Chen Mingyue said, “What if His Majesty’s into that?”
“Everyone, shut up. Someone’s coming!” Jiang Xinbai warned them.
The emperor passed by. Shen Ling came into his view. Shen Ling stood and waved. The emperor stopped. The emperor stepped backward. The emperor turned around. The emperor took another route.
Wang Yuanli added, “I told you he looked like a ghost.”
Li Shi lunged at him, and the two continued wrestling.
Their first battle ended in a crushing defeat. Everyone lamented their failure.
Shen Ling wore a spring robe and sat on a little stone stool in the garden, swatting mosquitoes with his round fan. He watched the others tussle and shout at each other while his mind wandered elsewhere.
Today, he had found a new letter from Shen Mei in the water jar in the Cold Palace. There was also a small box of incense in it.
Shen Mei had written that this was incense mixed with a secret drug. Use it once and you’d become addicted, unable to resist it. He told Shen Ling to try harder. Prince Jing’s heir had grown very displeased with the latest news from the palace. If Shen Ling still couldn’t climb onto the Dragon Bed and win the emperor’s favor, the brothers might both be dead in another month.
Only then did Shen Ling learn that Prince Jing suspected them of having ulterior motives in pledging their allegiance. He had poisoned both Shen Ling and Shen Mei. They could only stay alive by taking their medicine regularly; if they betrayed him and no longer had access to the special antidote, they would soon bleed from all seven orifices and die.
Shen Ling had no idea when he’d been poisoned. He didn’t remember taking anything that looked like a pill, but Shen Mei had no reason to lie to him about something like this.
At that moment, the rouge-red powder in the box lay quietly in his sleeve.
＊
Jiang Xinbai and the others had lost all three of their battles.
The pure look Li Shi loved, the wild look Wang Yuanli liked, and the gentle, considerate look Chen Mingyue wholeheartedly recommended—the emperor fled from every one of them, without so much as glancing their way.
“Ruan Zanxue already has the aloof type covered, and Zhuang Xinan has the clingy type covered. What do we have left to offer?”
“It can’t be our taste that’s the problem. The real issue is that Shen Ling has no substance and can’t capture the emperor’s heart.”
“His brain’s addled. He can’t even remember things. What kind of substance do you expect him to have?”
“What if we teach him the Four Books and Five Classics and have him write policy essays?”
“Get lost! Chen Mingyue, is your brain a cesspit? You’re going to teach a fool how to govern the country so he can win favor?”
Shen Ling sat at the table, watching the others plot loudly. He sighed with a long face, too, but not because he was lovesick. He was thinking about the poison Shen Mei had mentioned.
The body he had inherited had been frail. After entering Prince Jing’s residence, he had indeed taken medicine a few times. But he had nearly died while fleeing, and Shen Mei had told him it was to help him regain his strength. Other than that, all their meals had been served from the same pots in the kitchen as everyone else’s.
Could the poison have been in those bowls of restorative medicine? But after taking it, he really had gotten healthier and felt less weak.
He had been in the palace for over a month now. He was healthy, and hadn’t noticed anything wrong so far. Shen Mei had warned him that he would die when the poison took effect in another month. In other words, if he couldn’t make real progress with the emperor within a month and successfully pillow talked the emperor, Prince Jing’s residence would probably abandon him, their useless drain on its resources.
To be honest, Shen Ling doubted the poison worked as described. What kind of poison could be that precise? But for now, he didn’t dare gamble with his life.
One month. Time was tight. He couldn’t slack off anymore.
Meanwhile, Jiang Xinbai and the others had come up with a brand-new plan to win favor.
A sheet of paper was slapped down in front of him. Shen Ling looked up at the group gathering around him, their eyes shining with confidence that they would succeed.
“I’ve figured it out.” Jiang Xinbai’s gaze was sharp. “Shen Ling’s only advantage is that face of his. We need to make the most of it.”
“He doesn’t need to know every poem and essay. A few lines will do. He just needs to learn a couple of the key lines from Xie Zhen’s Quotations.”
Shen Ling caught the key phrase. “Xie Zhen’s Quotations?”
“Mm-hmm.” Wang Yuanli pulled a booklet from inside his robes and placed it in front of Shen Ling, as though imparting the secret manual of some martial arts school. “Chancellor He went to a lot of trouble to gather this before we entered the palace. It records everything Xie Zhen said and did. What do you think? Prince Jing’s residence didn’t have anything this comprehensive, did it?”
Shen Ling: “…”
“You’re lucky. Make sure you memorize the whole thing.”
He stared as they opened the booklet. The first line read: “Palace jade nectar wine, 380 per cup.”
He remembered that the booklet Shen Mei had given him said 280 per cup.
Wow, there were multiple answers.
Jiang Xinbai planted a hand on Shen Ling’s shoulder and said earnestly, “Can you read? I know you’re not very bright, so I’ll pick some easy things for you to memorize. For His Majesty’s favor, you should be able to work hard and learn them, right?”
Shen Ling: “Probably…?”
Chen Mingyue had ranked among the top thirty in the Directorate of Education examinations, so he was in charge of teaching. Wang Yuanli was the youngest son of the Minister of Revenue, so he was in charge of raising money. He had procured piles of brocade and silk, cosmetics, and makeup, and was cultivating connections throughout the palace. As for Jiang Xinbai and Li Shi, they were responsible for the most important thing—
“The timing!” Jiang Xinbai clenched his fist, his eyes gleaming. “A good opportunity can vanish in an instant. I’ll create one for you and keep Ruan Zanxue and Zhuang Xinan occupied, so you’ll have time alone with His Majesty.”
“This time, we’ll make His Majesty completely infatuated with you, unable to resist you!”
Shen Ling: “…” Somehow, I’m getting fired up too. You’re basically pimping me out!
＊
Li Sui had not slept for three days.
A report had arrived from the Northern Frontier. A month ago, the foreign tribes had raided the border. At first, everyone had assumed it was the same small-scale harassment as in previous years, but then a great army of thirty thousand marched south, catching Great Yu completely off guard.
Fortunately, the old Marquis of Zhenbei had deployed his forces skillfully, pinning the foreign army outside Yunyan Pass. However, one border city and three towns had been completely slaughtered.
In previous years, Great Yu had been strong in both troops and horses, and could beat the barbarians until they ran like stray dogs. But after the civil wars among the princes, Great Yu was no longer as powerful as before.
The foreigners knew this too, but swallowing all of Great Yu was obviously a pipe dream. So they had made outrageous demands: 100,000 in gold, 1 million in silver, 100,000 bolts of fine silk, and a princess to marry into their tribe.
Chancellor He suppressed all the memorials calling for war and showed the emperor only one final memorial, laying out the pros and cons.
The emperor had no sisters. Since the point of sending a woman over was simply to humiliate Great Yu, they could send a woman from the imperial clan—or even a palace maid—and be done with it.
As for the land outside Yunyan Pass, it had no natural defenses to rely on. They could surrender it for now; they would retake it one day. The foreign tribes wanted no more than a tenth of Great Yu’s tax revenue. Allowing the country to recover was the most important thing.
After reading it, Li Sui threw the memorial during the morning audience, then put the matter on hold.
Chancellor He led the court officials in kneeling outside the hall, asking the emperor to think it over. Even the Empress Dowager, who was meditating at a temple far away, was alarmed and returned to the palace to remonstrate with him.
A glance around showed that hardly anyone in the court wanted to fight.
“What a mess,” Wang Yuanli muttered. “Really, in principle, they should fight. Taxes and labor duties have been light for the past few years, so the court has plenty of money. If worse came to worst, they could squeeze a bit out of the wealthy families. But, well, they only just got rid of Prince Jing, and Chancellor He doesn’t want another powerful family like the Zhuang family rising up.”
Li Shi shot him a sideways glance. “Watch what you say. The Imperial Harem mustn’t meddle in politics. Do you want to die?”
“Just saying, just saying.” Wang Yuanli hugged a stack of clothes. “His Majesty was summoned by the Empress Dowager today and has been getting lectured for three hours already. He still hasn’t come back. What’s the point of dressing Shen Ling up now? We can’t exactly go flirt with him in the Empress Dowager’s courtyard, can we? That old lady might skin Shen Ling alive.”
“That just proves you don’t understand. This is exactly when we should take advantage of the situation!” Li Shi pushed open the door, only to see Chen Mingyue, who had been teaching Shen Ling in the study, with his robe hanging open and a look of utter despair. He had tied his belt to a beam and was hanging from it, while Shen Ling clutched his lower leg and cried, “Master, don’t do anything rash! I can recite it! I can!”
“Don’t call me Master. I have no disciple like you!” The usually mild-mannered young master of the Chen family stuck his head a little way through the loop and said woodenly, “Tell me. How much is a cup of palace jade nectar wine?”
Shen Ling: “One hundred and eighty.”
Chen Mingyue: “Let go of me! I might as well die!”
Shen Ling was a block of stone, a piece of rotten wood, a lump of mud, a fool. He simply couldn’t be taught. He couldn’t!
Wang Yuanli and Li Shi were scared out of their wits and hurried over to rescue him.
“I’m exhausted.” Chen Mingyue collapsed into a chair and sighed at length. “My Chen family produced imperial tutors for generations. I was a renowned scholar in my clan, too. Today, my reputation is ruined. Ruined!”
Shen Ling wiped his tears with his sleeve. “What if you’re the one who’s wrong?”
Chen Mingyue pointed at the door with a trembling finger and said sorrowfully, “Get out! Don’t let me see you again!”
Wang Yuanli immediately grabbed Shen Ling. “One hundred and eighty, two hundred and eighty—an opportunity can vanish in an instant. Come on, let’s get to work!”
Shen Ling was nearly lifted off his feet. “What?”
“We’ve created the perfect opportunity for you.” Li Shi was sweating, and could barely conceal his excitement. “An opportunity that will make His Majesty remember you forever!”
