Chapter 26 – Inexplicable Estrangement

After Xiao Weixin discovered his own abnormal behavior, he resisted calling for You Shu for the next two days. He was aware that his current situation was strange but there was no one around him with whom he could discuss such concerns. Whether it was Xiao Weiming or Xiao Weijing, neither one was reliable and neither of them could answer his questions.

Moreover, the spring hunt is about to begin so he gradually distracted himself using this matter. From the palace, Yu Sheng¹The spy XWX placed beside Empress Dowager Xia had sent news that Xiao Weishen is attaching great importance to this spring hunt which takes place once every three years. Even Empress Dowager Xia would attend this time and the palace would be almost completely unguarded²The entire royal family would go so there would be a large number of palace guards as entourage so very few would be left in the palace..

Xiao Weixin sat in the study and pondered this for a few days. This seemed to be an extremely rare and perfect opportunity. As long as Xiao Weishen was killed in the hunting grounds, this matter would be finished. But his intuition has always been very accurate and he felt that this was a very risky action. Xiao Weishen is a very paranoid and suspicious person. He didn’t believe that he would leave such an excellent opportunity [to deal with him] for his opponents.

Moreover, Shen Qingyu also did not agree with taking action at this time. Even if Xiao Weishen died, the old fox, Prime Minister Xia, was still alive and could still continue to monopolize the imperial power and put another puppet on the throne. The current top priority [for Xiao Weixin] is to have military power in his hands. This spring hunt is a perfect chance to further his acquaintance with Yang Qixian.

So Xiao Weixin simply gave up this plan [of assassinating Xiao Weishen].

He put down the brush in his hand and stood up to stretch his limbs. Just as he was about to habitually ask someone to call You Shu for sparring, he suddenly and forcibly restrained himself.

Late at night, Xiao Weixin lay on the bed, unable to sleep. His thoughts were completely and inexplicably occupied by the little shadow guard’s expression that day on the Shadow Guard Camp’s training grounds. Although he wasn’t deliberately keeping track, he knew that it had been exactly five days since he had last seen him.

Occasionally, he would pretend to be nonchalant and ask Xie Feiyuan what he [YS] was doing. The answers he got were either that he was training or that he had been sent on a mission, completely ordinary and normal. Xiao Weixin himself was confused by his contradictory behavior.

He admitted that he desperately wanted to drag that person into bed and see him smile like that at him too and occasionally, in his dreams, he even acted on this desire.

Doing this kind of thing is not difficult. If he was a little more ruthless, then, with his status, it is not at all troublesome to use a shadow guard to warm his bed. Even if the little shadow guard disagrees, couldn’t he just take him by force? There are many ways to break a person’s wings and he can easily use any of them to do this.

But Xiao Weixin could not bring himself to make such a decision.

The little shadow guard’s legs are very beautiful and he looks very attractive whenever he stands alone on the roof, looking up at the sky with his sword in his arms. His eyes are also very beautiful, always clear and calm, and he liked to see the gentleness that was occasionally revealed in those eyes.

He also likes it when the little shadow guard expresses his loyalty to him because it always gives him the illusion that that person regards him as his only belief and will never betray him.

Xiao Weixin has never cared about other people’s opinions and thoughts. Sometimes, even with Xiao Weiming, he can’t maintain a good temper but he really can’t be cruel to You Shu.

As a prince, he fell in love with a shadow guard but didn’t dare to sleep with him. No one would believe it if they heard this.

Xiao Weixin sighed deeply, pulled up the quilt and closed his eyes to sleep, forcing himself not to think about those things.

He is probably the most cowardly prince in the world.

At the same time, he wasn’t the only one who couldn’t sleep.

You Shu discovered that Xiao Weixin seemed to have stopped calling him to spar recently and also no longer called him down to talk to him from time to time when he was on duty. It was as if their close relationship had ended abruptly and the previous cold master-servant relationship had resumed.

But he couldn’t understand why.

Xiao Weixin came to the Shadow Guard Camp a few days ago to watch their matches but then it suddenly became like this. You Shu couldn’t figure out the reason.

He carefully reflected on his recent performance but he still couldn’t think of anything he had done that could have caused this.

Maybe it’s because he had become arrogant recently, thinking that the protagonist’s occasional kindness meant that their relationship had grown closer but, in fact, they are still at square one and nothing has changed.

Thinking of this, You Shu felt a little disappointed, admonishing himself that this attitude was very incorrect. Sure enough, one shouldn’t be proud of favor because pride always comes before a fall and the face slap will come quickly and the pain will return you to reality.

You Shu seriously reflected on himself, feeling that he had been too impetuous and eager for quick success. He must not have this mentality and should be more cautious in the future. There must be a reason why Xiao Weixin suddenly ignored him so he needs to improve and correct himself.

You Shu lay on the bed as usual. The moonlight was shining outside the window and it was hazily visible through the thin layer of paper³In ancient China, window screens were usually made of thin materials such as paper, gauze or silk or even fine bamboo strings.. Normally, at this time, he would already be asleep. This has been his routine for many years but today, after lying down, he couldn’t fall asleep. He kept tossing and turning restlessly.

Why……

You Shu miserably sat up from the bed, his hair messed up into a bird’s nest. He sat at the edge of the bed and dazedly stared at the hazy moonlight shining through the window. For some reason, he suddenly remembered something that had happened a long time ago.

Over the years, You Shu has maintained a relatively stable and calm mentality, because only a stable mindset can help him survive in this era.

Strive to maintain a steady emotional state. Try to avoid thinking about unpleasant things. Deal with any extraneous emotions quickly. Strive to maintain an optimistic and positive attitude.

He had never give up his yearning for freedom, no matter what the others say. Although this idea is indeed a bit unrealistic, life in the Shadow Guard Camp would be intolerably difficult without optimism.

Because those years really were difficult. Too difficult.

He still remembers that when he first arrived in this world over ten years ago, he had just been a freshman in college. He was at the age where he was full of curiosity about the world. He thought that after leaving home [and going to college], he would open the gates to a new world and start a new chapter of his life. Who could have known that what followed would actually be the beginning of a nightmare.

Very few people have a psyche strong enough to accept an event as fantastical as transmigration, not to mention You Shu who originally had a very happy and loving family but suddenly transmigrated into an unfamiliar era. The fear, helplessness and uncertainty he felt at that time is not the kind an ordinary person can bear. Moreover, he had transmigrated into a five-year-old body. He was just a little beggar on the roadside who was about to starve to death. He had no ability to find a way to survive. Every single day, he would be bullied by others and have his food snatched away.

If Xie Feiyuan hadn’t accidentally found him and taken him away, he would probably have frozen to death on the streets. But even after being brought to the Shadow Guard Camp, his life didn’t improve much. After all, it is a place meant solely for training sacrificial soldiers⁴This term has been used before. The original was ‘dead men’. and it is impossible to leave it alive after entering.

The years of training can be described simply as ‘darkness⁵暗无天日 (àn wú tiān rì) is a Chinese idiom which literally means ‘darkness which even the sun cannot penetrate’. It is used to describe a cruel, unfair and unjust society. I kept it short.‘. Over a hundred children were gathered together for training and those with weak physiques and weak mindsets rarely managed to leave the training room⁶The raws said dark room without any further explanation. I thought this made more sense. alive. Every day, after they wake up, they have to use swords and daggers and fight against each other. In addition to this cruel and bloody training, they also have to learn other things. Such as killing. Starting from rabbits and gradually progressing to human beings, through various cruel methods, they are gradually turned into ruthless killing machines.

You Shu used to be a very cheerful person who loved to laugh. All his classmates said that he had a pair of laughing eyes and an infectious smile which could easily brighten the mood of everyone around him. But a person like him cannot survive in the Shadow Guard Camp, because emotional people have no place here.

He is allowed to smile but the smile cannot reach his eyes [and be genuine]. He is not allowed to have his own emotions and he is not allowed to admit that he is a human being [with rights and his own personality, thoughts and emotions].

It sounds very cruel, doesn’t it? But this is their condition for survival in this profession which is like a whirlpool. Once you step into it, you cannot get out.

You Shu still remembers the first time he went on an assassination mission. He doesn’t remember it clearly anymore but the target seems to have been a local tyrant⁷屠夫 means a butcher but can also be used to refer to a cruel dictator. It could be either in this case but I thought a tyrant was more suitable. who had committed many atrocious crimes. Xie Feiyuan used him to train them. That was their first step.

At that time, You Shu had drawn his sword without any change in his expression. He seemed to have completed the task smoothly and was ranked first in their group. But after he returned, he vomited in his room for a long time and kept washing his hands with cold water.

Killing rabbits and killing people do not seem to be too different but killing people has a greater impact [on the mind]. Even if the victim is a heinous criminal, he is still a human being. No one can remain calm after killing someone for the first time, not even the ever steady Ying Er.

You Shu chose to adapt to this environment a long time ago and learned to hide his emotions perfectly. He pretended to be as ruthless as all the other shadow guards. They can joke around, laugh and eat snacks together and their relationship really is good but all of them know that none of them is irreplaceable.

Just like Ying Shi. The current Ying Shi was not originally Ying Shi and only replaced the previous one. The previous Ying Shi had an accident during a mission and, in order to let the other brothers escape safely, he committed suicide and thus he was replaced by the current Ying Shi.

Although the current Ying Shi is also excellent, You Shu occasionally remembers the original person. They used to go on missions together and drank together under the moon but after his death, no one in the Shadow Guard Camp expressed sadness or grief and no one mentioned him again, as if he had never existed.

Death and parting is a lesson all of them have learned. They do not develop attachment to their colleagues, simply because it is unnecessary.

However, when they gathered together, they would occasionally mention him accidentally and then casually say a few words like “Oh, he…. seems to have liked to drink” and then….they would all change the topic to something else.

But You Shu always noticed the sadness that would flash briefly in their eyes.

Why is You Shu so serious about keeping a diary?

Because he doesn’t want to become a truly emotionless person. Life in the Shadow Guard Camp can easily erode a person’s sense of self. He is scared that, one day, he will forget who he is, forget that he once had a happy family, and forget that he was once a person who stood in the bright sun and stretched out his hand, thinking that he could touch the sky⁸He also had great ambitions and was a carefree person..

He is also afraid that if, one day, he fails to survive to the end of the novel and fails to follow behind the protagonist and dies early, then at least this diary would remain and, one day, someone may discover these secret thoughts of his.

This way, someone will know that he has been here [in this world].

You Shu loves the world and loves himself. He doesn’t want to give up on himself.

This is why the protagonist’s sudden alienation made him sad.

He thought that he could finally get closer to him.

He even had the illusion that they were already friends.

You Shu got up from the bed, lit the candles again, took out his diary and wrote down a short entry.

‘X month X day X year, rainy’

‘I’m not happy at all today.’

T/N: I hope I did this chapter justice. This is by far my most favorite chapter in this novel. That whole You Shu POV never fails to bring me either to tears or infinitely close to it, and this is my eighth time reading this. He is such a strong and lovable person that it is really hard to dislike him. (Also, I personally think that You Shu’s time as a starving beggar is what makes food so important to him aside from his own liking for it).

As for Xiao Weixin’s thoughts, I hope you guys will remember that he grew up in a different era and shadow guards are lower than slaves so his thoughts, while not correct according to modern standards, are justified according to that era’s. But don’t worry, Xiao Weixin’s sad boi hours are ending soon and he will learn to respect You Shu as his equal and partner and not as a slave or subordinate. 

P.S. Also, the rather lengthy square brackets are explanatory additions I made which I should probably have put in footnotes but I felt this was better because they don’t interrupt the reading flow too much unlike footnotes.

P.P.S. I checked Google to see if I used sad boi hours correctly and according to google “while the official time for sad boi hours is 1 AM to 4:59 AM, any time can be sad boi hours if you try hard enough” which I personally thought was hilarious lol. My humour is broken, I know. Anyways, have a nice day or night, whichever it is!

• 1
  The spy XWX placed beside Empress Dowager Xia ↩︎
• 2
  The entire royal family would go so there would be a large number of palace guards as entourage so very few would be left in the palace. ↩︎
• 3
  In ancient China, window screens were usually made of thin materials such as paper, gauze or silk or even fine bamboo strings. ↩︎
• 4
  This term has been used before. The original was ‘dead men’. ↩︎
• 5
  暗无天日 (àn wú tiān rì) is a Chinese idiom which literally means ‘darkness which even the sun cannot penetrate’. It is used to describe a cruel, unfair and unjust society. I kept it short. ↩︎
• 6
  The raws said dark room without any further explanation. I thought this made more sense. ↩︎
• 7
  屠夫 means a butcher but can also be used to refer to a cruel dictator. It could be either in this case but I thought a tyrant was more suitable. ↩︎
• 8
  He also had great ambitions and was a carefree person. ↩︎