Chapter 44 – The General’s Confession (1)

The General's Cat always wants to climb into my bed
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53 Chapters

Chapter 1 - The Nation’s Male God (1) Chapter 2 - The Nation’s Male God (2) Chapter 3 - The Nation’s Male God (3) Chapter 4 - The General’s Cat (1) Chapter 5 - The General’s Cat (2) Chapter 6 - The General’s Cat (3) Chapter 7 - The General’s Cat (4) Chapter 8 - Moonlight Forget-Me-Not (1) Chapter 9 - Moonlight Forget-Me-Not (2) Chapter 10 - The General’s Seduction (1) Chapter 11 - The General’s Seduction (2) Chapter 12 - The General’s Seduction (3) Chapter 13 - The General’s Seduction (4) Chapter 14 - The General’s Seduction (5) Chapter 15 - Faced With Homosexuality (1) Chapter 16 - Faced With Homosexuality (2) Chapter 17 - Number One Rookie (1) Chapter 18 - Number One Rookie (2) Chapter 19 - The General’s Secret (1) Chapter 20 - The General’s Secret (2) Chapter 21 - The General’s Secret (3) Chapter 22 - The General’s Secret (4) Chapter 23 - Shen Zhifan’s Secret (1) Chapter 24 - Shen Zhifan’s Secret (2) Chapter 25 - Shen Zhifan’s Secret (3) Chapter 26.1 - Shen Zhifan's Secret (4) Chapter 26.2 Chapter 27 Chapter 28 - Yi Jia’s Secret (1) Chapter 29.1 - The Cat’s Moe Special (1) Chapter 29.2 - The Cat's Moe Special (1) Chapter 29.3 - The Cat's Moe Special (1) Chapter 30.1 Chapter 30.2 Chapter 30.3 Chapter 31.1 Chapter 31.2 Chapter 31.3 Chapter 32 - Intoxication Play (1) Chapter 33 - Intoxication Play (2)  Chapter 34 - Drunken Aftermath (1) Chapter 35 - Drunken Aftermath (2) Chapter 36 - Lady Gu Qiu’s Worries (1) Chapter 37 - Lady Gu Qiu’s Worries (2) Chapter 38 - The Esteemed General’s Shamelessness (1) Chapter 39 - The Esteemed General’s Shamelessness (2) Chapter 40 - The Esteemed General’s Shamelessness (3) Chapter 41 - Uriah's Secret (1) Chapter 42 - Uriah's Secret (2) Chapter 43 - Yi Jia’s Secret (2) Chapter 44 - The General’s Confession (1) Chapter 45.1 - Ferdinand’s Words (1) Chapter 45.2

Chapter 44: The General’s Confession (1)

Editor: SleepyMango123


He held a hand to his forehead, seeming very distressed.

Yan Shuo fell silent and stroked his hair. Although he roughly knew what’d happened, he still had to guiltily keep quiet.

“What happened? I just received your call.”

Shen Zhifan caressed the other man’s hand, trying to procure some strength and warmth from it—though his voice was stifled, as if he were forcing the words out.

“I…” He paused, “I didn’t protect Zhirou properly. She’s gone missing.”

He hung his head, dejected. Shen Zhirou had only disappeared for half a day, but Yan Shuo felt that Shen Zhifan had lost half of his spirit.

“It’s my fault.”

Yan Shuo couldn’t help but bring the other man into his arms.

“No, don’t think like that. Calm down a little.”

“Thank you, I…” When he was nervous, the honorifics slipped out1 he used the formal ‘you’ when thanking YS , and his mind was filled with shock, “I…I’m really scared.”

A man admitting his own weakness really wasn’t a joyful occasion. It illustrated his current distress, and showed that now, he could only dissect his own actions in exchange for stability.

Yan Shuo patted his back comfortingly.

At this moment, it seemed that Shen Zhifan needed to vent—Yan Shuo only needed to hold him quietly, and give him a firm shoulder.

“I’ve lost my memories, and I…don’t remember a lot of things,” His fingers grasped at Yan Shuo’s collar, and the latter could almost see his blanched joints, as well as his pale lips, “I know that there are many things…that aren’t good—I’ve definitely made some mistakes, but I can’t trace any of them. And—those memories are so awful, I simply…I don’t want to find out at all.”

He thought of that last time in the mech, where Shen Zhifan had been dripping with cold sweat, his back trembling fiercely as if he’d been doused in icy water.

—In a second, that shattered scene flashed thousands of times through Shen Zhifan’s mind. It was as if countless needles had punctured through his heart, with an infinite amount of voices passing by his ears.

—He had clearly been unable to recall anything, yet his body still retained a shivering feeling. That kind of…indescribable suffering seemed like it could slice through his insides meticulously and decisively—a blurry pain in his flesh and blood, a fractured and scattered torment.

It made his body so stiff that he began to shake.

The pain from that time allowed him to deeply understand the abnormal parts of his body.

The experiences and nightmares from his past—the pain of these seemed to be beyond the touch of a sixteen-year-old boy.

The sixteen-year-old Shen Zhifan was naive and kindhearted, living on a remote wasteland of a planet. Every night, before he slept, he would face the distant stars and pray that he could have a steady, brightly-coloured future—and threw in the hope that he could touch the one who could be called his beloved, the one that he’d long yearned for—Yan Shuo.

He hadn’t prayed to awaken, seemingly with everything, but also having lost all of Shen Zhifan.

He couldn’t tell exactly what he’d lost, but his intuition told him that he was better off not knowing.

He still remembered the end of that diary, and the mention of that person.

That person, with his lips brimming with hate—not toward a person, but toward a whole world.

That situation had seemed incredibly dangerous to him. What exactly had Shen Zhifan done all those years ago, and what kind of people did he have relations with?…Was Shen Zhirou’s disappearance connected to those people?

Now, it looked like this possibility was high.

He couldn’t help but think of that midnight call, and that strange man with his icy words.

Thinking of it now, perhaps that had been a red flag.

Since he was amnesic, the other must’ve easily sensed his discrepancies, and took Shen Zhirou to threaten him.

It was so clear-cut that Shen Zhifan had no choice but to believe it.

“I thought…I thought that as long as I didn’t think about it, those things would disappear,” His fingers were still tightly gripping the hem of Yan Shuo’s clothes, and his eyes were filled with helplessness. “But no, everything around me is full of holes and missing pieces—it only takes Shen Zhirou for me to fold…I’ve done a lot, so I’ll definitely receive retribution…Even if I don’t know what I did, now.”

“…If I say that, it must really sound terrible.”

He suddenly stopped, his tone of voice abruptly dropping to freezing temperatures, so much so that it was rather despairing.

“General, I had once said in my diary that I’d given up all hope for this country, I…Tell me, did I actually do something that I shouldn’t have?”

Yan Shuo’s breathing wavered. His embrace was firm, but at this moment, he truly didn’t know what he should say.

“You…probably knew about it,” Shen Zhifan looked up, defeat in his eyes, “I never said anything, greedily taking in your kindness towards me…I experienced your partiality towards me, and I…I fell into this happiness—so I never wanted to face reality.”

“Didn’t I do something truly bad?”

Shen Zhifan resembled fine jade. Now, this piece was covered in fine dust, and thus Yan Shuo’s heart was layered with it as well.

“No.” He knew that if he let anything slip now, it would certainly agitate the other.

This young man—Well, he could tentatively be called a young man, at least from a certain point of view.

Shen Zhifan bit his lip forcefully—as if, as long as Yan Shuo spoke up, he would be ready to atone with his death.

Yan Shuo directly lifted his chin, and kissed him forcefully.

Because he’d used too much strength, he realised that he’d probably bit the other man’s lips; but Shen Zhifan was uncaring. His arms wound around Yan Shuo’s neck.

He looks like he’s drowning, Yan Shuo thought. He’s never done anything wrong. From the beginning to the end, he was always being used. 

He had been such a good youth, carefree and without worries, with the most beautiful eyes in the world. Yan Shuo had wanted to treasure him so much…but he was too late.

And so, the young man that he’d carefully stowed away in his heart had suffered through torment—he became twisted, crushed, was exploited and forged into a cold blade, razor-sharp and emotionless.

He was formidable, with both fame and wealth, but he was not happy in the slightest.

He lived as if he were walking on thin ice. He undoubtedly rested on silks, gold, and silver, but there was a seed of hatred buried in his heart, making him unbearably exhausted.

Now, he was almost drowning.

Yan Shuo kissed him firmly, entwining their lips and tongues, drinking him in greedily. There was nothing more distracting than a suffocating kiss.

The other’s pain and helplessness gradually transformed into the sound of heavy breathing. Like it was echoing in this empty room, it brought along an indescribable sense of ambiguity.

Yan Shuo saw him close his eyes tightly, and when those gorgeous eyes had shut, they might have been naive or melancholic, but this didn’t affect their beauty. Like a butterfly, his eyelashes trembled, flickering atop that piece of jade.2 again, reminder that szf’s face is a piece of jade orz

This was the best boy in the world, his favourite person.

His mind was completely blank, save for that one vacant thought.

Yet Shen Zhifan was on the verge of drowning, because of those selfish, self-serving people. He had worked so hard to survive and was so exhausted, with mountainous pressure from both sides—because of this, he would rather escape and become a sixteen-year-old boy.

How could Yan Shuo bear to let this happen?

He could only kiss the other to alleviate his wounds, and lap at his scars.

But when the kiss finally ended, and it was all over, Shen Zhifan seemed to have already calmed down, no longer as despondent as before.

…Of course, it might have been because their kiss had been rather fierce, and his whole face was completely flushed.

But Yan Shuo wasn’t willing to stop there, and pulled him closer to shower kisses on his forehead.

Inching further and further downwards, he finally made it to Shen Zhifan’s lips again.

“…General, General.”

“Didn’t I tell you not to call me that?”

Yan Shuo touched his nose against Shen Zhifan’s. They were so close that they breathed the same air.

“…I,I…”

He hesitated and looked down, but Yan Shuo lifted his chin.

“You are not at fault,” This was his consolation, “For now, you don’t need to know about those things. I’ll tell you something else.”

Shen Zhifan turned his gaze up to him.

“Seven years ago, on N-192, you saved me.” Yan Shuo spoke slowly, a slight flush creeping up his face, “Because of affairs within the military, I wasn’t by your side later on. I had never told you, but we actually…”

Shen Zhifan’s eyes widened.

“So,” He paused, then kissed him lightly, “I am taking responsibility for you now.”

“Don’t be afraid.”

  • 1
    he used the formal ‘you’ when thanking YS
  • 2
    again, reminder that szf’s face is a piece of jade orz

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