Chapter 31 – Truth (II)

4.

Feng Yeran was buried in the cemetery behind the chapel, his name written on a tiny cross.

From December 20th, for ten years straight, Feng Hua was mad, controlled by obsession.

He didn’t go to see the golden notebook as Feng Yeran told him to.

He simply couldn’t bear Feng Yeran’s death, so he chose to forget it. And in his memory mechanism, death and love were deeply connected. After all, he had lived happily with Feng Yeran for a year and a half after finally knowing that he loved him, and that year and a half ended with death. And every day of that year and a half, there was love, and every day, there was also the fear of death.

If he wanted to delete the memories of death, then he must also delete the memories of love.

He knew well that his power was controlled by emotions (especially negative ones), and that his obsession formed by pain had extreme power. Perhaps, he could replicate the world he had once spent with Ye’er.

His life was chaotic. He was either in delusion, wandering around Feng Yeran’s tomb, or creating worlds in a vast wasteland like a ghost.

After his memories of love and death had completely disappeared, he forgot Feng Yeran’s death.

He became very powerful.

The things he created could initially last only half an hour, and later, they could last a day, a month…

By the third year, he was finally able to fully replicate a world about Feng Yeran and him. Since it was bounded by the perception of the two, the world wasn’t very large.

At that time, he had only one obsession left. He longed for Feng Yeran’s love, which he hadn’t yet obtained. He needed to pursue Feng Yeran’s love forever until the day he obtained it—which meant that in his replicated world, he could be with Feng Yeran forever, as long as he never obtained Feng Yeran’s love. To obtain it would mean, instead, the end.

Time in his world, just as a narrator could tell a year’s story in five minutes and a month’s story in two hundred pages, couldn’t be equated with the real world.

As for the degree of reality, it also changed constantly with the constant repetition, and was subject to the laws of the world’s operation and partially distorted. Certain characters in the story, in the constant repetition, took on their own divisions and new names. For example, the function of the id, Sean, was to maintain this constantly repeating old world. Qin Xiche, when she went through the second cycle, took on the name Qin Xihe, which was because Feng Hua’s consciousness had linked her to the female doctor who took care of Feng Yeran later on, and her function, as Feng Hua’s superego, was to be rational and likewise to be the maintainer of order in the old world. But, at the same time, it was important to note that certain characters also had a tendency to break the old world, such as Sean, who once looked at the butterflies and grasshoppers with Feng Hua and spoke of the cruelty underneath the beauty. What he meant was that there was cruelty underneath the beauty and, conversely, beauty in the cruelty. Everything depended on both sides. Feng Hua’s story was staring at the cruelty, which was forgetting the beautiful parts.

Since the basic principle allowing the world’s constant circulation was “not be loved by Feng Yeran”, Feng Hua kept preventing Feng Yeran from falling in love with him. Whenever he noticed Feng Yeran’s tendency to love him, something terrible would happen to prevent Feng Yeran’s love.

So, every world almost always ended with pain, and every time it ended, Feng Hua would burn everything and then start again.

As the cruel fairy tale told:

The price of love, it turned out, was the prince’s death.

The monster in despair devoured all life and burned everything.

‘If love is connected with death… then, I’d rather not love!’

The monster came to the wasteland in pain with strong obsession.

It spat out a canary, which flew to the sky, its singing voice so sweet and beautiful.

It spat out a little rabbit, which hopped in the dry grass, blinking its beautiful red eyes.

It spat out a puppy, which barked and wagged its cute tail.

It spat out a beautiful princess, who seemed to have slept for a long, long time, stretching and yawning.

It spat out flowers and grass, butterflies and seabirds, lush forests, a magnificent castle…

In the brand new world, it spat out its dear prince.

The poor and frail prince.

The prince picked a seed in the forest. He buried it in the soil, and it sprouted and bore fruit quickly. But inside the huge fruit, there was a monster.

The monster was ugly and scary, but the monster wanted to get the prince’s love.

‘Please love me,’ the monster said to the prince. ‘I can become what you love. I can give you anything.’

The prince would never love it.

But that was the monster’s wish!

Even if it could never be loved, even if it was just a relationship sustained by pain and hate.

The monster only wanted to be with the prince! Life after life, forever!

5.

For ten whole years, he replicated countless worlds. As he himself had said:

“I’ve always… had a strong obsession. Since birth, or even earlier. I’ve been banished by it. I seem to be rolling a fireball, towards the abyss, constantly rolling it down, with no end in sight.”

His obsession made him keep replicating the world, keep distorting it, and he could never be loved, so he would suffer forever. The rigid behaviour pattern of the world itself, which was constantly being replicated and created, was the biggest cage for him.

He was a monster in a cage.

A monster who craved love yet never got it.

6.

And, in fact, this was what Feng Yeran had expected when he was alive.

So, in the year and a half he was with Feng Hua, not only did he write a golden notebook, but he also did something else.

He had his team spend a lot of time collecting his will and then implant it into Feng Hua’s brain.

After his death, part of his consciousness would grow inside Feng Hua’s brain. As it was brand new technology, and as Feng Hua’s own consciousness was quite powerful, it took a long time before he could really communicate with Feng Hua in his dreams.

In fact, it took five years.

The white shadow inside Feng Hua’s head was Feng Yeran’s will.

It guided Feng Hua to clean up one broken world after another, just as Feng Yeran had taken Feng Hua to build a house when he was a child, from the walls, to the roof, to the door and window, to the chimney, to the key, making it little by little, until they found the truth, letting Feng Hua free from his obsession and truly be happy.

7.

There were four pieces of playdough on the table, of different sizes. Little Feng Hua, who looked four or five years old, was puzzled.

—Feng Hua: Ye’er, how do we make a small house out of these four pieces of playdough?

—Feng Yeran: Squeeze them into the shape you want. This one is the roof, the biggest one is the walls, this one is the door and window, and the last small one is the chimney.

—Feng Hua: There are so many coloured pencils and pastels here!

—Feng Yeran: When we finish the house, let’s draw the background of the house, the earth, the green grass, the blue sky and the white clouds.

—Feng Hua: And draw the two of us!

—Feng Yeran: Yes, one adult and one child!

—Feng Hua: We’ll be together forever!

Feng Hua knelt on the ground, tears streaming down his face.

He was too stupid. Too stupid.

How many years ago, the time he broke out for the first time, almost killed Chen Xuan, and was stopped by Feng Yeran.

He heard Feng Yeran say, “It’ll only take three years. When the time comes, I’ll kill Feng Hua myself.”

It was those words that made him completely despair, made him keep splitting and get more and more distorted. But this was just a misunderstanding of his! Why couldn’t he have listened a little more at that time? Why couldn’t he have communicated more with Feng Yeran? Why couldn’t he have been more mature?!

How many misunderstandings made up this whole tragedy?

If only he’d trusted Feng Yeran more.

If only he weren’t so paranoid with love.

Perhaps, the ending would’ve been very different?

The white shadow floated in front of Feng Hua and called out softly, Feng Hua, now, do you know who I am?

Feng Hua was crying quite hard, but he still kept nodding. Ye’er, Ye’er.

The white shadow’s face finally became clear, and it was Feng Yeran’s appearance.

He sank down and gently held up Feng Hua’s face. “Feng Hua, do you still remember? You once said that once an Adesir has decided on someone, it’d be a lifetime, it’d be forever. Even if you forget yourself, you wouldn’t forget me… You also said that I’m the whole meaning of your life…”

“Ye’er…” Feng Hua’s voice was already unclear. His shoulders shook violently, his face twisted, and he cried out.

Feng Yeran kept wiping Feng Hua’s tears with his slightly transparent fingers, then hugged him and whispered in his ear, “Fool. In fact, I’m the same. Even though my body has died, I’ll always be with you. You’re also the whole meaning of my life… You must remember, I love you! I don’t want you to suffer forever. I want you to be happy, I want you to get a new life. So, don’t forget again. Make sure you see my gift to you, okay?”

End of “The Truth” of Monster

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1 thought on “Chapter 31 – Truth (II)”

  1. As the cruel fairy tale told:

    The price of love, it turned out, was the prince’s death.

    The monster in despair devoured all life and burned everything.

    ‘If love is connected with death… then, I’d rather not love!’
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    I’m glad it’s about to end, even if I’m drowned in so much emotion, barely am I breathing well..

    Reply

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